The Kind Element
The Kind Element is about extending ourselves beyond what we needed to do or what was socially obligated, with no ulterior motive.
The goal of this Element is to bring more kindness into the world by seeking out practical ways to make a difference in somebody’s life.
To practice this Element we can regularly look for opportunities to surprise people with random acts of kindness.
Want to apply this Element in your life?
Download our free workbook and start practicing the Kind Element today or click on the headings below to discover more.
“We think too much and feel too little.
More than machinery, we need humanity.
More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.”
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James’s old friend Brett, who he used to run trekking rites of passage with, had an unusual hobby. He would spot an overgrown garden, round up a load of mates and do a free garden makeover for elderly people in the neighbourhood. It was unsolicited and unrewarded, except for the joy of seeing how happy it made the garden owners.
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.’” - Leo Buscaglia
I left the interior light on in the car the other evening and my upstairs neighbour came down to let me know, saving me the inconvenience of a flat battery.
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Being kind to others helps us feel good inside and out.
Kindness reduces the negative effects of stress
Kindness releases the oxytocin and dopamine feel-good hormones
Oxytocin reduces stress induced cortisol levels
Oxytocin increases our pain thresholds
Oxytocin reduces free radical levels and inflammation that cause ageing
Reducing free radicals and inflammation promotes growth and healing
Oxytocin releases nitric oxide which expands blood vessels, reduces blood pressure and protects our heart
Kindness also releases endorphins, which are the brain’s natural painkiller
Endorphins foster feelings of achievement, enjoyment, and decreased stress
Overall being kind helps keep us healthier and slows the ageing process
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Naturally, the above health benefits spill over into our relationships as well. Regularly practicing the Kind Element eases stress, so that you feel calmer, have a heightened mood and increased self-worth and less social anxiety. These conditions are fertile ground for relationships to flourish.
The importance of being kind is hardwired into the human genome. Research links this to survival*. The tighter the emotional bond between families and communities, the more likely their chance of survival.
That means we are hardwired to like people who show kindness to us. Equally we are repelled by people with an acidic personality.
When people act kindly, dopamine and oxytocin are released making it much easier to connect, trust and bond with them. Likewise, existing relationships are strengthened through acts of kindness.
There is an old saying: ‘You catch more flies with honey than vinegar’
This saying encapsulates the wisdom that you get a lot further in life and in relationships with a sweet rather than a sour approach.
*See the work of Lynn Margulis and Roberto Cazzolla Gatti amongst others.
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It may be easier to practice the Kind Element with strangers to begin with.
Once you experience the good feelings which come from these moments, you will have more motivation to practice in difficult relationships or situations where acting kindly means breaking a pattern. You could start out with some random acts of kindness such as the following:
Walk an aged person across the road
Help a mum with her pram up steps
Say thank you to the bus driver
Check in on an elderly neighbour
Offer a seat to someone on the bus/ train/ tram
Buy raffle tickets for children so they can win something
Let a person with less groceries ahead of you in the checkout queue
Buy a homeless person a meal or give a bottle of water
Take a neighbours bins out when you see they have forgotten to do it
Book a meal for a friend
Run yourself a bubbly bath
Pick up someone else’s litter
Help with someone’s garden that is in disrepair
Making greetings and salutations ‘Hi’, ‘Hello’, ‘How are you?’
Holding open a door
Picking up an item someone dropped
Complimenting others
Donation to a charity you care about
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When we are topped up with the Kind Element ourselves, we can more easily extend this to others.
One common reason why people struggle to practice the Kind Element on themselves is that they confuse self-kindness with self-indulgence.
But how can we expect a car to keep driving us around when we don’t take the time to check the tyres and oil, spend money on regular services and get things fixed? We are no different. We need to recognise that self-kindness is vital for us to operate effectively.
Applying the Kind Element to ourselves helps to ease:
Our own self-judgement
Self-doubt and inner critic
Perfectionist expectations that we place on ourselves
Self-acceptance issues
Lack of self-worth
Confidence issues
Anxiety
It is vitally important to be kind to ourselves, as any of these will erode our sense of personal power. Self-kindness is a positive enabler, so that we can be kind to others.
From a brain and nervous system point of view this is because when our own needs are met, we are operating within our window of tolerance and are more able to respond to situations rather than react. We’re therefore much more likely to choose to apply the Kind Element (and all the other Elements) with others.
Exercise: Ask your inner child
Find a photograph of yourself as a child that holds an emotional resonance or connection for you.
Ask this younger version of yourself, ’Is it okay to treat myself with less kindness than I deserve?’ Listen carefully to their reply.
Keep the photo out and write their words down.
If you would like you could apologise to your younger self for not practicing the Kind Element on yourself. You may like to make a vow that you will not let them down any more.
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Self-Kindness Affirmations
On this day I declare I am worthy of receiving kindness.
On this day I practise kindness in my self-talk, particularly when I make mistakes or do not live up to expectations I hold for myself.
On this day I practise self-kindness, recognising this is part of learning and growing.
On this day I practise self-kindness by forgiving myself. I release experiences that I needed to learn from.
On this day if I don’t feel like being kind to myself, I notice this, realising there is something valuable for me to learn from this.
Kindness To Others
On this day I practise the Kind Element with family members, seeking little ways to show kindness.
On this day I practise the Kind Element when parenting with ‘x’ child. (Focus on one child per day)
On this day I practise the Kind Element with friends, ex-friends, also old friends I have lost contact with.
On this day I practise the Kind Element with my partner and/ or ex-partner.
On this day I practise the Kind Element with people I work with (one per day).
On this day I practise the Kind Element at work, specifically with people with whom I seldom have interacted.
On this day I practise the Kind Element with a stranger in need.
On this day I practise random acts of kindness unrelated to my usual life.
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. ”
Need more support?
Group Webinars and Individual Guidance sessions are available to help you apply the Kind Element in your particular situation.