The Accepting Element
The Accepting Element is about being with situations and people as they truly are right now, imperfections included, and letting them be.
The goal of the Accepting Element is to see and validate each other, just as we are, and come into full contact with life, exactly as it is.
To live this Element we can practice mindful awareness of what is, without trying to change anything, even if that's just for a moment.
Want to apply this Element in your life?
Download our free workbook and start practicing the Accepting Element today or click on the headings below to discover more.
“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”
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It's easy to confuse tolerance with true acceptance. Tolerating involves putting up with habits, attitudes, or circumstances we don't like, usually through gritted teeth.
Please note, acceptance is not about tolerating harmful behaviour. If you are in a relationship that involves family violence or abuse, call a helpline, seek support and do whatever you need to do to ensure your safety and that of others.
True acceptance involves coming into full contact with what is, without resisting, avoiding or dissociating from reality. We may feel joy, or experience the full beauty of life as never before. We may also grieve that things are not as we would like them to be. Ultimately, whilst this kind of acceptance may lead to us appreciating what we have more deeply, it may also lead to us leaving or disengaging from a situation or person we decide we are not willing to tolerate.
Here are some examples of the Accepting Element in action:
1 - I once had a girlfriend who was full of fun and vivacity and who seemed to be a good match for me on so many levels. We had lots of fun together but after a while I noticed that she was drinking pretty much all day long, as well as using large amounts of cannabis. Although this didn’t match my values, I tolerated her addiction for a while, after all there were many good things about our relationship. I told myself it wasn’t such a big deal and that maybe she would cut down or stop. However, once I fully accepted the full experience of being in that relationship as it was and got in touch with my boundaries, I realised that I wasn’t willing to tolerate the behaviour any more and disengaged from the relationship. I still hold fond memories and gratitude for the time we shared.
2 - When my son appeared to be in a low mood, I used to ask him what was wrong and hope to be able to help him fix it. I have recently realised that he often doesn’t know what is wrong himself and that he’ll come to me when he wants to share or ask for help. I’ve now let him know that I’ll wait for him to come to me in future, accepting his feelings as they are whilst still being available to him.
3 - When I am uncomfortable with the way things are, I bring to mind the well-known Serenity Prayer:
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
There is also an adaptation used in 12 Steps that helps me remember where true acceptance comes from:
“Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.”
I then begin to tease out what I can and cannot change about the situation. This may include concrete, physical changes I initiate in my environment or interactions, as well as internal, psychological change within myself. It may also involve allowing feelings of disappointment, anger or grief about the things I cannot change.
We may need to spend some time in tolerance, rather than acceptance, due to our own lack of ability to move towards acceptance internally or because we’re in a double bind and choose to tolerate an unsatisfactory situation for some other payoff. There is no shame in either of these. We can practice acceptance of where we are at internally and also acceptance of our own choice to stay in the double bind for the time being.
No matter how dire a situation may seem, acceptance comes from personal power, free will and choice. We can always maintain the intention to move towards acceptance, either by continuing the internal work or changing the situation when this becomes an option.
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Practicing the Accepting Element may have the following health benefits:
One study showed people who practiced acceptance of all their emotions and thoughts, without judgement, experienced greater life satisfaction, and less symptoms of depression and anxiety, as well as ultimately experiencing less uncomfortable emotions.
Acceptance can support our emotional and physical health by contributing to inner peace. It can also make us better problem solvers and free us from analysis paralysis all of which lead to less stress.
Radical acceptance practices from DBT can help alleviate anxiety and depression and improve overall emotional wellbeing.
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Practicing the Accepting Element can help to keep our relationships healthy and fulfilling for the following reasons:
Acceptance is a prelude to forgiveness. It has to happen first.
Accepting our inner experience helps us to know ourselves better and therefore bring less of our own baggage to relationships.
Acceptance requires us to develop some humility. It helps us to see things cleanly and take ownership of our own part in a situation.
It helps keep us aware of our experience as it is, rather than how we would like it to be.
Acceptance can shift us out of a victim mindset. It gives us the ability to see an undesirable situation as a potentially valuable learning experience.
We become better problem solvers when we can begin by clearly seeing the situation as it really is.
Acceptance is, paradoxically, an assertion of control. As we accept a situation, we can choose our response in terms of our attitude, behaviour and how we apply our existing knowledge and skills.
Acceptance helps us embrace differences as part of what makes others whole, unique and valuable.
Acceptance from others positively impacts self-worth. When we feel accepted for who we are, we are more likely to develop a positive self-image and a stronger sense of self-esteem.
Acceptance provides a stronger foundation for long-term relationships, as it fosters resilience, deeper emotional bonds and encourages open and honest communication.
Acceptance promotes trust and a safe space for expressing thoughts and feelings.
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The easiest way to reach acceptance is by tuning into our intuition and our heart. This enables us to develop empathy for others. Empathy can turn our frustration into compassion. There may be valid reasons why something is the way it is, e.g.
The annoying person drumming their fingers may be experiencing anxiety, but be ashamed to say they are not coping.
The partner dealing with addiction may have unresolved trauma or inadequate coping mechanisms to deal with the life situation they find themselves in. Our acceptance and understanding may be more helpful than our judgement or nagging, and also cause us less frustration, recognising that readiness for change can only come from them.
To practice the Accepting Element we can:
Accept our own perceived imperfections, knowing we are doing all we can in this moment with the resources that we have. This acceptance may also allow you to come up with solutions or workarounds for things you find difficult, rather than just feeling bad that you didn’t do something the way everyone else does.
Accept the imperfections of others as where they are currently in their life
Cease trying to change others or hoping to change them, e.g stop suggesting behaviours or courses of action that you would like others to take.
Stop tolerating bad behaviour, e.g. appropriately speak up at the time rather than turning a blind eye and pretending it didn’t happen.
Become aware when we are distracting ourselves from reality with future dreaming or ‘if only’ thinking.
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Many people find their bodies hard to accept, partly because of societal pressures to conform to an ideal, but also perhaps because they would like a different experience of being in their bodies, such as more ease or energy.
Practicing the Accepting Element with our own body can allow us to be fully at home in our own skin, rather than living with the constant tension of dissatisfaction with, or even resentment towards, this very tangible aspect of ourselves.
This practice is a great example of how we can hold the wish for things to be different in the future whilst at the same time accepting things exactly as they are now.
The following Body Acceptance practice can also be adapted for other areas of experience such as the breath, thoughts or emotions. The prompts for each body part are also just ideas, and can each be applied to any part of the body. For example you may bring gratitude to your feet rather than your head, or you may notice tension in your knees and ask what they need, rather than your shoulders. The basic idea is to observe and notice, something as it is, without judgement or commentary but with love, acceptance and kindness.
You may like to read the practice through first and then guide yourself through it in your mind; or you might record yourself reading it aloud and then follow along as you listen to the recording; alternatively you can try listening to our audio recording of the practice below.
Find a comfortable position, sitting or lying down. Use any props, pillows or rolled blankets which help you feel supported and comfortable.
Take a few slow, deep breaths into your belly and take some time to adjust your position until you are as comfortable as you can possibly be. Try to get an overall sense of the whole of your body as it is, right now.
Bring your attention to an area of your body you are finding it hard to fully accept. Breathe and keep your awareness on this part, as it is, right now.
Notice the weight and proportions of this part or area of your body. Notice any judgements which come up about this part.
As you breathe in, tense and squeeze all the muscles in your body as you stay with the judgements of this body part. Continue for a few breaths.
As you release a full breath, allow all the judgements and expectations you have for this area of your body to fall away. Be with this body part, as it is, right now.
Bring warmth and acceptance to this part. You may like to say something like, ‘I love and accept my [body part], just as it is’.
Expand your awareness back out into your whole body. Say to yourself, ‘I see you, love you and accept you, just as you are.’
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On this day I practise acceptance, understanding that obstacles I face in life are gifts to life’s evolution.
On this day I practise self-acceptance by accepting myself exactly as I am, knowing that through practising the Elements, my life will start to shine.
On this day I choose to accept and love myself unconditionally - just the way I am.
On this day I release all self-hatred and forgive myself for holding on to things that do not serve me.
On this day, I practice accepting differences that usually annoy me.
On this day I accept my life the way it is, knowing I can get help and make plans when that time feels right.
On this day I accept my mistakes and failures, recognising these are a vital part of life, providing valuable lessons to learn from.
On this day I accept others for who they are, and as they are.
On this day I accept that everyone is doing the best they can with the skills, knowledge, and resources they have.
On this day I accept the beliefs of others without wanting or needing to change them.
On this day I choose not to blame others and accept that we all make the world the way that it is.
“As I get older, the more I stay focused on the acceptance of myself and others, and choose compassion over judgement and curiosity over fear.”
Need more support?
Group Webinars and Individual Guidance sessions are available to help you apply the Accepting Element in your particular situation.