The Humble Element
The Humble Element is about valuing all beings equally. This means seeing without judgement, and recognising that others have innate worth, in all their differences and imperfections.
The goal of the Humble Element is to see ourselves and others clearly, through recognizing distortions in how we see the world.
To practice this Element we can begin noticing when we are being judgemental of ourselves and others.
Want to apply this Element in your life?
Download our free workbook and start practicing the Humble Element today or click on the headings below to discover more.
“We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are.”
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A while ago I began to use the phrase, ‘Just like me’ whenever I caught myself in judgement. To begin with I was shocked with how often I had to do it. I was literally having to apply it all the time!
Even if sometimes I initially said it in a bit of a forced way, I accepted the possibility that I had that potential within me to act ‘just like’ the person I was judging.
Sitting with this idea enabled the truth to come through in it’s own time. Over the next few days my brain would go through its archives and come up with lots of examples of how I was, indeed, just like that other person.
I never would have known how distorted my view of reality was had I not begun this practice. These three little words were so incredibly powerful for me.
My brother was a senior site engineer for a large construction company. People looked to him for answers every day. He once told me he’d had a moment of profound realisation. It was a moment when he realised he was an ‘Ass’. I was unsure what he meant, and asked how he arrived at this conclusion. He replied, “It is liberating because I no longer feel that I have to know everything.” With a crazy look in his eye, he said, “I only need to know how to find what I need to know.” To him, being humble means you don’t have to pretend you know everything. It means being ok with not being the font of all knowledge and being open to learning from others.
I recently had someone renovating my kitchen. He rang me one morning and it was clear he’d already been drinking and was swearing etc. In that moment I compared myself to him and contrasted his behaviour with my own high level of education and behavioural standards.
On the same day I had a call from a plasterer who talked in such technical terms that I couldn’t even understand my notes after I got off the phone with him. This time I caught myself being judgemental of myself and my own inability to understand. Once I noticed my judgements I was able to remind myself that everyone was doing their best and had different skills and qualities to bring to the job.
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A humble mindset increases our overall psychological wellbeing and ensures our social functioning.
A nationwide survey in the US showed that people exhibiting humility were buffered from stressful life events and had benefits in terms of:
happiness
life satisfaction
less depressed affect
less generalised anxiety disorder
Surveys of college undergraduates and prison inmates showed a correlation between humility and resistance to substance misuse. It suggested that levels of humility and self-control were linked.
There are positive outcomes for patients of healthcare providers who are able to show cultural humility.
Leaders who practice humility have employees with higher levels of wellbeing.
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At the most basic level, it takes humility to admit that we need others, that we have a fundamental need for relationship and belonging, that we do indeed need Real Love.
The Humble Element is essential if we are to have meaningful relationships with others. It enriches and deepens these relationships, making our interpersonal relationships and networks stronger.
The paradoxical power of humility is that by sharing our struggles and showing our flaws we create a climate in which others feel safe to be real and be received, accepted as they are.
Practicing the Humble Element also allows us to receive this gift of acceptance ourselves, as others can only accept what we allow them to see.
When we can know that we are all fundamentally the same as well as recognising that we are all unique, we can begin to be curious about others’ differences. Non-judgemental curiosity fosters empathy and compassion and breaks down the barriers these differences might otherwise create.
Studies show that humility also makes us more generous and helpful, further strengthening reciprocity in our relationships.
As we practice the Humble Element, we also become better able to celebrate the successes of others without feeling jealous or resentful of their progress.
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How to use Humility to strengthen your relationships
Given the innate link between mind and body, what is interpreted in the mind is also felt in the physical body. Therefore, fear, anxiety and uncertainty are consistently accompanied by physical tension, narrowed thinking, and skewed perceptions. These constrictions, when chronically held in the body, can limit one’s ability to perceive oneself, the world, and others accurately.
https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-030-60043-3_1
Humility means accepting the truth that you are not always right, and that others have something to offer. This is an important concept to apply in relationships including dating and marriage. Relationships flourish in the following:
When feeling challenged, breathe deeply to avoid reacting, set aside your ego and respond humbly.
Listening with interest and being curious during conversations.
Acknowledging the inner strength required that we don’t have all the answers.
Holding off criticism when other's opinions and beliefs differ from your own.
Being open to learning from anyone - A wise person learns from all people.
Being vulnerable, the initial strength, is rewarded by far more strength.
Embracing humility for the great strength it is.
Acknowledging your shortcomings and strengths - a truly humbling practice.
During conversations make space for the other person to express themself by listening thoughtfully.
Setting aside all judgment.
Whenever opposing views occur, accept the reality that usually neither you or them are right or wrong.
Accepting and embracing that you and others have differences, rather than seeking to change them.
Refraining from injecting your point of view into conversations before truly hearing what the other person has to say.
Letting go of needing to impress others by appearing perfect - being REAL is always better.
Finding ways to celebrate how differences actually strengthen relationships e.g. different feelings, thoughts, hopes, and dreams, etc.
Examples of how to practice & Improve Humility
Embrace your humanity: We all have limitations and make mistakes that can become valuable life lessons.
Not getting everything right or something not going as planned is understood as part of the experience of being human.
Recognise triumph and disaster (in yourself and others) and treat those imposters just the same. [Poem ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling]
Stop taking things for granted. Reflect, find gratitude and feel appreciation in life. This requires you to shift your focus from what you lack to what you already have.
Allow yourself to feel vulnerable and humble: This is the antidote for ego and pride.
Expressing gratitude through prayer, meditation, journaling, gratitude lists.
Practice mindfulness/being in the present:
Practicing mindfulness leads to increased conscious awareness. Mindfulness creates the opportunity to slow down and acknowledge present thoughts and emotions without judgement.
In turn, those who practice mindfulness are gifted with a greater acceptance of our humanity, and an increased capacity to experience and express gratitude.
Practice listening to others in a curious, non-judgemental manner:
This sounds easier than it is, as it requires conscious awareness of emerging judgments and an intentional effort to redirect attention back to listening rather than judging and problem-solving.
As we sincerely make the effort to truly listen to others, we will eventually see ourselves in them, and more deeply embrace our humanness as we embrace the humanness of others.
https://ctrinstitute.com/blog/4-ways-to-practice-humility-in-relationships/
Some ideas from Mother Theresa about applying the Humble Element:
1. Speak as little as possible about yourself
2. Keep busy with your own affairs, not those of others
3. Accept small irritations with good humour
4. Do you not tell on the thoughts of others
5. Accept insults and injuries
6. Accept contempt, being forgotten and disregarded
7. Do you not seek to be admired or loved
8. Because yes and delicate even when provoked
9. Accept contradictions and correction cheerfully
10. Pass over the mistakes of others
11. To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked
12. We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love
13. Every time you smile at someone it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. Peace begins with a smile
14. I prefer that you make mistakes in kindness rather than work miracles in unkindness
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Owning our shadow
If we perceive someone as an enemy, or harshly judge a character trait in another (or indeed if we worship and place another person on a pedestal because of certain qualities we deeply admire) then we may well be noticing aspects of ourself that we have buried or disowned.
The Humble Element would have us search for and own these traits within ourselves. It would have us admit that under the right (or wrong) circumstances we are capable of all types of behaviours. It would have us end each judging thought with the words, ‘…just like me’.
Carl Jung said that these disowned aspects of ourselves make up our psychological Shadow. He believed that wholeness comes when we become aware of and accept our own perceived ‘negative’ or ‘imperfect’ traits.
Interestingly, when they are fully owned and integrated, these traits may actually turn out to be some of our biggest strengths.
Exercise in owning a shadow trait:
The next time you find yourself either extremely admiring of or extremely irritated or disgusted by an action or perceived trait in another person, do the following:
Write down, draw or collage the trait that you have the extreme reaction to.
Think of the absolute opposite of that trait.
Fill in the blanks in the following sentence: “I really love/hate… [their trait] because I am so… [oppposite trait].” For example, “I really dislike impatience because I am so patient.” Or, “I admire or envy their freedom because I am so stuck.”
Notice the ways in which this is true of your self-image. Where does this show up in your life? Write down a few examples.
Now notice where you could use a little softening, a little bit of an antidote to always displaying this trait. For example, if I see myself as always energetic, I might look for times and places in my life where I could use a little more rest or a slower pace.
Tip: You may need to play with the wording a little. For example, if I have labelled the other person as shallow and I am looking for where I might need to be a little more shallow in my life, it may help to re-conceptualise ‘shallow’ as ‘lighthearted’ or ‘less serious’ or ‘more playful’.
Plan a way that you will do one thing in the next 24 hours which allows this counter-trait or shadow aspect to be expressed through you, even if it is very small.
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Here are a variety of affirmations to help you focus on the Humble Element throughout your day. Pick one that resonates with you. Say it aloud to yourself as many times as you like. This helps to set a positive intention for today. You may choose to periodically remind yourself so you stay focused.
On this day, I am willing to admit with good humour when I am wrong.
On this day, during conversations, I will practice listening with genuine curiosity.
On this day, I practice keeping self (ego) out of sight.
On this day, I recognise that since I am not the Boss Of The Universe, things may not go as I had planned.
On this day, I will hold off criticising others’ beliefs, feelings and opinions.
On this day, I don’t need to exaggerate, lie or pretend I am better than I am or doing better than I am.
On this day, I am willing to acknowledge my current strengths and limitations.
On this day, I acknowledge I don’t know everything and have room for improvement.
On this day, I practice with the Humble Element each time I am forgotten, dishonoured, or disliked, knowing inside myself that I am okay.
On this day, I am willing to risk looking silly and ask others for help when I need it.
On this day, when listening to another’s story of struggle, I hold back from unsolicited problem-solving, believing that everyone has their own wisdom and resources and will ask for advice if they want it.
On this day, I don’t have to make someone wrong, just so that I am right.
On this day, I practise being humble for the great strength it is.
On this day, I set aside all judgment about others.
On this day, I let go of my need to impress others.
On this day, I can handle other’s criticism and being told what to do.
On this day, I willingly praise others for things I appreciate about them.
On this day, I let go of jealousy when others are more successful than me.
On this day, I remember that humble people are more likeable than arrogant people.
“Never curse the fall. The ground is where humility lives. To have humility is to have great respect for all things. There is no one who does not deserve your respect for there is no one who is not your brother. When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom”
Need more support?
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