The Harmless Element
The Harmless Element is about living with non-violent thoughts, words and behaviour.
The goal of this Element is to stop, think and choose non-harmful responses to others, yourself, and nature.
To practice this Element ask yourself, 'Is this safe to me? Is this safe to others? Is it safe in the situation, context or environment that I find myself in?' Seek to create a gap between the experience and your response in order to make a conscious choice.
Want to apply this Element in your life?
Download our free workbook and start practicing the Harmless Element today or click on the headings below to discover more.
“When we act, we have to know what the result of this action could be. If the action is destructive, it produces destruction in the world. If the action is not destructive, if it is creative, if it is harmless, it creates harmlessness, it creates good in the world. ”
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1 - On my first visit to Thailand I went to a temple and saw monks preparing soil to plant a shrub. I was amazed at the gentle care they took in loosening the soil, so that not a single worm was damaged in the process.
2 - We have amazingly powerful imaginations. It’s easy for us to build up stories in our minds which do not match reality. Although the whole process happens in our own mind, it can cause a great deal of harm.
A coaching client of mine went suddenly from being the blue-eyed girl in her workplace to having a project she was working on shelved indefinitely. She was upset by this to the extent that she imagined her boss as a fierce dragon that she could not defeat. She also had the perception that her job was threatened.
It was clear that she was hurt and that she harboured much ill intent towards her perceived oppressor. She began to experience anxiety, depression and high blood pressure. I later had the opportunity to meet her boss, who in our interaction was actually quite supportive of my client. I could see that my client’s imagination had created a distorted view of the situation and the harmful thoughts constantly running around her mind were causing her physiological harm.
3 - A friend set up a charity called ‘Take 3 for the Sea’. The idea came about after awareness of the significant damage that discarded plastic was having on marine life. Seals were found with plastic from beer packs stuck over their head or trapped in old fishing nets. Worse yet, was the effect on seabirds through swallowing brightly coloured plastic, mistaking it for food.
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Practicing the Harmless Element in our dealings with our own body can be very powerful.
When James was dealing with chronic sciatic pain after a car crash he found that his piriformis muscle was constantly activated and would not release. He began, with frustration, to sternly and forcefully command it to relax, to no avail.
Eventually he realised that, given that he himself hates to be told what to do, his muscle may respond better if he asked it nicely, with a request rather than a demand.
He realised that it probably had its own reasons for staying tight, and he began to develop a loving, caring relationship with it and ask, with care, if it would be willing to work with him and help him. He immediately experienced a massive improvement in his pain levels.
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History has shown that non-violent resistance is more effective than violence for creating political change.
Thousands of practitioners of Non-Violent Communication worldwide can testify that this is true for transforming relationships too.
Practicing making requests rather than demands is key to this harmless way of communicating. We know we are making a request when we are willing to hear a ‘no’ and look for another solution. We can tell it’s a demand if we look inside ourselves and find we aren’t actually willing to hear a ‘no’.
Practicing the Harmless Element has innumerable relationship benefits, including:
Improved empathy levels
Resolving behaviour issues in children
Improving collaboration with others
Facilitating conflict resolution
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The ultimate expression of the Harmless Element would be to be equanimous and non-reactive in all situations, but in this life we are bound to fall short. In order to practice the Harmless Element we are therefore just hoping to create enough of a gap between stimulus and response that we can choose a harmless response.
To help create this gap we can practice attunement to fine sensory detail. In a stressful situation you may notice heat, tension in different parts of your body, a change in your voice tone, feeling your heartbeat quicken, a change in the way you’re standing or sitting, your attention shifting from listening to being focused on what you are intending to say, clenching fists, gritted teeth, blaming or judgemental thoughts. These are all signs that you have, or are about to, flip your lid.
Whilst these are all common physiological changes, the important thing is to pay attention to what happens for you, so that you become aware of your own personal signs. To begin with you may need to rewind after an event has occurred and see if you can notice what sensations led up to it. With practice you will begin to notice the sensations as they occur, and you can then choose how you move forward.
We can also become attuned to events which lower our level of tolerance and make us more susceptible to flipping our lids and doing harm. For example, even before an incident has happened, if you haven’t eaten or slept enough, you feel physically uncomfortable, you feel rushed, or someone has let you down, you are a walking recipe for disaster.
To intervene when you notice these conditions or physical sensations you can begin with 3 deep breaths into your belly. This will create a space, a gap between what is happening and your reaction to it. You may choose to take even more time out by walking away, stepping out into nature, wrapping yourself in a blanket, or doing whatever else you find soothing and calming.
To create some humorous alternatives to your habitual ways of reacting, you can then use the ‘George Costanza effect’. This basically means you do exactly the opposite of what you would normally do. For example, if you would normally shout, speak very softly. If you would normally feel like hitting out, hug. If you tend to blame others, take responsibility for your part in the dynamic.
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The harm that we do to ourselves is potentially the worst kind of harm, as it creates a vicious cycle. Self-harm can take many forms, both obvious and subtle. These include:
Deprecating self-talk
Limiting self-beliefs
Self-blame
Toxic substance abuse
Physical self-harm
Self-harm is often a response to traumatic life experiences and our inability to process these events at the time. We internalise the belief that bad things happened to us because there was something wrong with us. To reverse this damage we need to lovingly practise the Harmless Element on ourselves.
We cannot change the past. Our scars are permanently etched on our psyche; we cannot get rid of them. What we can do is live a life of Real Love that becomes more attractive and empowering. Over time this new set of neural pathways thrives while the old scars fade.
Since our thoughts are so fundamental to our experience, transforming our thought patterns is a great place to start practicing the Harmless Element on ourselves.
When a belief, pattern or habit is running the show in our minds and we notice that it’s causing harm, we can liken it to having an unruly dragon in our life. When we unconsciously repeat and allow the harmful thoughts or patterns to continue, it’s like allowing the dragon to rampage around our minds.
When we recognise that this is happening, we can choose to slay the dragon or befriend the dragon. Since we’re practicing the Harmless Element, slaying the dragon isn’t an option. In my experience, slaying it also leaves a space for another version of the dragon to take up residence later. I’ve had much better results with befriending my dragons.
The first step in befriending a dragon is to get to know it and name it. Troublesome as they may be, dragons always have positive intentions! So as we listen to our dragon’s language and what it’s saying to us, we can also try to understand what it’s needing and how it’s intending to help us.
For example, if my dragon is always rushing and feeding me the belief that there isn’t enough time, I might call it my ‘Impatient Dragon’. After listening to it for a while I might come to understand that its intention is to help me be on time so that I will keep the approval of others.
I can then have a friendly dialogue with my dragon and acknowledge how it’s trying to help me. I can say to the dragon, ‘I see you and thank you for your good intentions. I see that you think it’s important that we arrive on time. I will listen to you and take your input into account, and I’ve got this. I’ll take charge now.’
My dragon no longer needs to rampage to get my attention!
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Use the following affirmations to set a positive intention of the specific ways you will practice the Harmless Element today.
On this day I practise the Harmless Element with myself, including my inner child
On this day I practise the Harmless Element with [insert name of child] (Do this one at a time)
On this day I practise the Harmless Element with my partner
On this day I practise the Harmless Element with my friend/s [insert name]. (Do this one at a time)
On this day I practise the Harmless Element with [insert name of the most challenging person I work with]. (Do this one at a time)
On this day I practise the Harmless Element towards Mother Earth
On this day I practise the Harmless Element towards the environment (e.g. picking 3 pieces of litter from the park or beach)
On this day I the Harmless Element towards all animals
On this day I practice the Harmless Element towards bugs and insects, (e.g. I take them outside)
“Harmlessness is the expression of the life of the man who realises himself to be everywhere, who lives consciously as a soul, whose nature is love,
whose method is inclusiveness.”
Need more support?
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